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What is Anger?
Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. Anger can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems. But excessive anger can cause problems. Increased blood pressure and other physical changes associated with anger make it difficult to think straight and harm your physical and mental health.
Silent treatment speaks volumes about a relationship
Sharon Jayson, USA TODAY 6:03 a.m. EDT August 3, 2014
If you’re suffering in silence — or because of it — your relationship may be more endangered than you realize, according to new research that shows those whose interactions include the “silent treatment” can spell ruin for the future.
Although researchers say the cold shoulder is the most common way people deal with marital conflict, an analysis of 74 studies, based on more than 14,000 participants, shows that when one partner withdraws in silence or shuts down emotionally because of perceived demands by the other, the harm is both emotional and physical.
“The more this pattern emerges within your relationship, the greater the chances one or both partners experience heightened levels of anxiety or may use more aggressive forms of behavior,” says Paul Schrodt, a professor of communication studies at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth, who led the study published this spring in the journal Communication Monographs.
“Each partner sees the other person’s behavior as the start of a fight,” he says. “If you go to him and ask why he’s so withdrawn from his wife, it’s because ‘she’s constantly nagging me and constantly asking a million questions.’
If you ask her why she’s making demands of him, it’s because ‘he doesn’t tell me anything. I don’t get the sense he cares about our relationship.’ Each partner fails to see how their own behavior is contributing to the pattern.”
In much of the research, Schrodt says, the man tends to be more silent; but psychologist Les Parrott of Seattle says he has seen less of a breakdown along gender lines.
“I see plenty of men get demanding,” he says.
It’s that pattern, Schrodt says, that is so damaging, because it signals a serious sign of distress in the relationship. The research, which spanned from 1987 to 2011, wasn’t specifically about the silent treatment; however, the silent treatment is part of a broader pattern that extends not just to romantic relationships but to parenting styles as well, which also were part of the research, he says.
Parrott, co-author of The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer, a book published in April, says the silent treatment is a very difficult pattern to break because it’s such an ingrained behavior.
“We learn this strategy very early on — just as little kids — to shut somebody out as a way to punish,” Parrott says. “Many of us are prone to sulk or to pout, and that is an early form of giving somebody the silent treatment.”
Parrott, a psychology professor at Seattle Pacific University, says nothing good comes from the silent treatment because it’s “manipulative, disrespectful and not productive.”
Schrodt’s analysis found that couples who use such conflict behaviors experience lower relationship satisfaction, less intimacy and poorer communication, which is also associated with divorce.
And, he says, some of the studies found the effects were not just emotional but physiological, such as urinary, bowel or erectile dysfunction.
“Partners get locked in this pattern, largely because they each see the other as the cause,” Schrodt says. “Both partners see the other as the problem.”
Parrott and Schrodt agree being aware of the destructive pattern can help resolve it.
“Conflict is inevitable, but how you manage it can make the difference,” Parrott says.
How to break the pattern of the silent treatment
— Become aware of what’s really going on. The person making demands feels abandoned; the silent person is protecting himself. Each needs to ask: “Why am I behaving this way? How does my behavior make my partner feel?”
— Avoid character assassination. It will do more damage to label your spouse as “selfish” or “rude.”
— Use the word “I,” because the more you use “you,” the longer your squabble will last.
You can say something like, “This is how I feel when you stop talking to me.”
— Mutually agree to take a timeout.
When the cycle emerges, both partners need to cool their heads and warm their hearts before engaging.
And some people just need a bit of time to think before they speak. This in NOT Days.
— Genuinely apologize as soon as you are able.
Source: Les Parrott, psychologist at Seattle Pacific University; co-author of the 2014 book The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring you Closer
Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper
Keeping your temper in check can be challenging. Use simple anger management tips — from taking a timeout to using "I" statements — to stay in control.
Do you fume when someone cuts you off in traffic? Does your blood pressure rocket when your child refuses to cooperate? Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion — but it's important to deal with it in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both your health and your relationships.
Ready to get your anger under control? Start by considering these 10 anger management tips.
1. Think before you speak
In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
2. Once you're calm, express your anger
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
3. Get some exercise
Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.
4. Take a timeout
Timeouts aren't just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.
5. Identify possible solutions
Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child's messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and might only make it worse.
6. Stick with 'I' statements
To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use "I" statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, "I'm upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes," instead of, "You never do any housework."
7. Don't hold a grudge Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want at all times.
8. Use humor to release tension
Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what's making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
9. Practice relaxation skills
When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Take it easy." You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
10. Know when to seek help
Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.
Call Georgia Anger Management at 678-662-7066 for a free evaluation and assessment
5 Steps For Preventing Violence In Your Workplace
· Write it down.
· Survey employees.
· Screen future employees carefully.
· Train future managers.
· Get the support of senior management.
One of the most important skills to learn in order to succeed in your marriage is to "put love first." In other words, to have a good marriage, your spouse and your relationship has to be the absolute highest priority in your life--bar none. Answer the questions below “true” or “false” and see how you're doing. Compare your score with the assessment scale below.
When my spouse phones, I almost always make time to talk.
If I’m with my spouse and someone else phones, I usually don’t take the call.
I speak to my spouse about non-logistical matters at least twice per day.
When something significant happens in my life, I almost always share it with my spouse first.
I initiate positive loving physical contact with my spouse at least twice each day.
When we go to a social function, I almost always spend at least half my time talking with my spouse.
When my spouse walks into the house, I almost always interrupt whatever I am doing to greet my spouse.
When I walk into the house, the first thing I usually do is greet my spouse.
I spend more time interacting with my spouse than I do watching TV.
I spend more time interacting with my spouse than anyone else in my life.
I usually interrupt whatever I am doing if my spouse wants my attention.
When I need someone to talk to, I almost always talk to my spouse.
I almost always recognize in a significant way my spouse’s birthday, our anniversary, and other special days.
My spouse and I go out alone together at least once per week.
My spouse and I go on vacation alone together at least once per year.
I have photographs of my spouse in my office, wallet, or gym locker.
I have at least one personal and meaningful discussion with my spouse per week for a minimum of twenty-five minutes.
I do unnecessary thoughtful things for my spouse regularly.
Total all the yes’s
1-9: OUT OF SHAPE. Your priorities are out of whack.
10-14: AVERAGE. This won't do if you're trying to revamp your marriage.
15-18: MARRIAGE FITNESS CHAMPION. You seem to have your priorities straight. anger management classes anger management evaluations relationship counselling